After the loss of our fourth child at 7 weeks gestation - I have been doing a lot of thinking. I found these lyrics to a beautiful song and thought they really speak to how I feel about our angel baby. Love you.

-A'

Selah : "I Will Carry You"

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

Holy Week

Good morning - I know that our argument this morning was not pretty. I am sorry if I have upset you or been hard on you. I only want you to succeed and I guess that there are times I push too much. For that I ask your forgiveness. You are a wonderful person - I just believe that you are spreading yourself too thin. Perhaps this is just because it is Holy Week and this is always a tough week for us. As you would say to me - have faith, not fear - especially of what was and what you can't go back and change. If I could go back and erase the miscarriage and make everything better for you I would. The fact is, I can't. I love you, have faith, love and hope. Walk with me through Holy Week knowing that at Pascha we will rejoice in our risen Lord together.

Love,

A

Good morning John, I know things haven't gone the best for you this morning. I am sorry and I hope that your back feels better. If not, I would go out and get a thermal pack that you can stick on your back. You can get them at the drug store. I am sorry that I have not felt better. This cold is really taking it out of me. You have been very patient with me and I haven't been the most gracious towards you. Please forgive me. I love you, have a good day, and I hope that you make it a positive day not a negative day.

Love,

A

Dear John, What a week - It feels a little like a train that I can't get off of right now. Great Lent has begun, Lydia was sick this morning, I am stressing over this test and you have sermon to give on Saturday morning. Can life get anymore complicated? I am sure that it can. So through all of my tears over my children, you not being home, and fears about my Stats class - you still listened to me - even when I was not rational about everything. Thank you for your time, I am very grateful that you gave me a little of it. I was able to get through all of Chapter 3 and will be moving onto making a study guide for Chapter 4. I hope that you have a good rest of the day and evening. I will see you tonight. Drive safely.

-Alex

Good Morning/Afternoon

Dear John,
I didn't really get to say good morning or good afternoon to you today. I was soooooo tired when I came home. I feel like I only saw you for five minutes and you were off to class (btw I hope it is an interesting class for you). Five minutes does not seem like enough. I miss you already.

Work was steady and I managed to stay awake. The best thing that happened to me - a patient grabbed my hand, (after a tearful episode) looked me in the eye, squeezed my hand and said thank you. My job couldn't have gotten any better than at that moment. It is in those seemingly insignificant moments that I realize that being a nurse (at least for me) is a calling and not just a job.

Hope you day has gone well. Love you.

-A

New Cake

Ok - so I couldn't stop myself - I had to make another cake. Thank you John for bringing home the icing. Now, little did I know - John decorated the cake while I was eating dinner. A photo for posterity.

-A

Cake

Dear John
I thought about what you said - about overreacting - more specifically about the chocolate cake incident. I realized that I am not going to always say/write positive things to you or about you. That would not be an honest picture of our relationship. I still love and I still think the world of you - even when you forget things.

Now about the cake - you have to understand one thing. A woman and chocolate cake have a solid relationship that comes close to that of a husband and wife. The only difference is there is no arguing and if I get angry I just eat the cake. So last night - when you turned the oven on and melted the plastic wrap to the cake (so that I couldn't eat it) I was upset and disappointed. I know I overreacted about it but looking back on it, it is funny and after all isn't being able to laugh at ourselves part of our relationship? I hope that you have a good day and I pray that you got to work safely.

Love, A



P.S. Never start the self cleaning cycle on the oven until you have cleaned off the boiled over icing on the bottom of the oven. Lets just say the front door is open and the fan in on and its 32 degrees outside. At least the smoke alarm did not go off.